


The Dick-Kebab Fic

by thereisnobearonthisisland



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Crack, Explicit Sexual Content, Fire, M/M, Smut, and i'm finally posting it here for all of u to see, crack smut, this is my greatest masterpiece
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-16 04:04:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14804007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thereisnobearonthisisland/pseuds/thereisnobearonthisisland
Summary: phil kebabs dan with his dick.





	The Dick-Kebab Fic

**Author's Note:**

> i'm working on the next chapter of buoy right now, but here's some crack to hold you over until i can post :)

Dan padded sleepily out of the bedroom, fingers rubbing at the back of his neck as he made his way to the kitchen.  It had felt good at the time, but maybe using Phil’s arm as a pillow hadn’t been the best idea.  He was pretty boney.  

He paused by the entryway to the kitchen, admiring the way Phil swayed those delicious Shakira hips from side to side as he flipped another pancake.  He chuckled lowly as Phil began to shake his hips faster, his ass cheeks jiggling beneath the thin material of his tight boxers.  God, Dan loved dat ass.  

Phil spun around when Dan finally made himself known, and Dan’s mouth ran dry.  Through the thin black material, he could see Phil’s five-foot long dick balled up in a tight coil.  He licked his lips.  

They’d never tried it, but Dan always wanted to know if it was possible for Phil’s dick to enter his mouth and exit his asshole in one fell swoop.  It had always been his dream to be a literal dick-kebab.  

He stepped forward, his eyes darkening as he crept closer to Phil.  “Oh, my lovely Lion,” he purred, taking a few more steps towards him.  

“Yes, Bear?” Phil asked.

“I want to try something new.  Would you be okay with that?”

“Of course, Bear.  I’ll do anything you want.  Name it.”

Dan stepped all the way up to him and leaned in close to his ear.  “I want you to kebab me with your dick, mate.”

Phil sucked in a breath, and Dan was pressed close enough to him that he could feel Phil’s dick jump and hear it hiss like the snake it was.  “Okay,” Phil said.  “Go stand over there.”  He pointed to the kitchen entrance.

Dan did as he was told and watched with bated breath as Phil peeled off his boxers agonizingly slowly, stepping out of them one leg at a time.  He tossed them haphazardly to the side, ignoring flare of a flame as they landed in the pancake pan.  Dan shrugged. They’d just have to make this quick.

Phil unraveled his dick, letting it roll all the way out until the tip stopped at Dan’s feet.  Dan’s mouth watered.  Phil had the second biggest dick he’d ever seen.

He knelt down and took the head of Phil’s cock in his hands.  When he rubbed his thumb over the slit already slick with precum, Phil gasped, and his dick hissed simultaneously.  He shuddered, and the entire length of his dick stiffened just from that one small action. Dan chuckled.  It was so easy to get him hard.

Phil took a shallow breath, and Dan looked up at him.  “So, how did you want to do this?” Phil asked.

Dan thought for a moment. “Well, I guess I’ll just start with the head of your thicc anaconda, and you can just run forward really quickly to spear me?  Do you think that’ll work?”

Phil shrugged.  “There’s no harm in trying.”  

Dan nodded and lowered himself to the ground, laying on his stomach and propping himself up with only his elbows.  He took the head into his hands again and brought it to his mouth.  He licked a circle around the tip, lapping up all of the precum he could gather without choking.  There was a lot of it because Phil’s dick was so big.  “Mmm,” he mumbled around Phil’s dick.  “I’m ready.”

Phil’s anaconda rattled briefly and then stilled as he shot forward to shoot all the way down Dan’s already relaxed throat.  It slithered down his esophagus, weaved around his internal organs, until finally,  _finally_ , it shot out of his asshole. Dan moaned, coming in his pants because Phil was just so thicc that he pressed up against Dan’s prostate firmly enough to produce the most euphoric pleasure.

Phil also moaned as he came, streams of white jizz falling out of Dan’s asshole. This was one way for Phil to come inside him.

As his dick softened, Phil slowly walked backwards until his anaconda was able to slither its way back out of Dan’s body. As soon as his dick was all the way out—Dan only gagged a little bit—the fire alarm began blaring because Phil had caught his underwear on fire in his haste to kebab Dan. Dan didn’t mind though.  A little fire in their flat was worth it.  Dan had finally achieved his dreams of being a human-kebab.

Phil walked calmly over to the pancake pan which was fully on fire now.  (Dan would buy him some new underwear as soon as they got their next check from YouTube.)  He grabbed a glass of water that was conveniently sitting beside the stove (as they always are), and threw it onto the flaming pan.

Dan walked forward and wrapped his arms around Phil from behind, pressing a kiss to the back of his neck.  “My hero,” he whispered.  

“I love you, Bear,” Phil whispered back.

“I love you too, Lion.”

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for reading :)
> 
> [like and reblog on tumblr](https://laddyplester.tumblr.com/post/171361154224/the-dick-kebab-fic)


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